So I guess I’ll start off by introducing myself. I don’t usually write ads – that’s something my people do for me – but my name is LeBron James and I play small forward for the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA. I don’t know how tall I am or how much I weigh. Because I don’t want anybody to know my identity. I’m like a superhero. Call me Basketball Man.* My team just won the championship last year for the first time in franchise history, but we’re in serious need of help if we want to repeat this year. Let me fill you in on my career accomplishments so you can better understand the situation.

*This is a direct quote

I was drafted first overall in 2003 and won Rookie of the Year. Our team kept getting better and we made the playoffs in 2006, beating the Washington Wizards in the first round thanks to my “crab dribble” game-winner (this used to be one of my favorite moves, but I don’t use it that much anymore). I probably should have won the MVP that year, but they gave it to Steve Nash instead for some reason.

In 2007 I became the best player in the world and beat the Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals to move on to the NBA Finals for the first time. Even though we were swept by the San Antonio Spurs, I think I deserve a lot of credit because I didn’t have any good teammates. Larry fucking Hughes was supposed to be my “Scottie Pippen” but couldn’t get the job done.

In 2008 I won the scoring title and in 2009 and 2010 I won the MVP award twice for leading the Cavs to the best record in the league. Once again, though, we fell short of the NBA Finals because I didn’t have enough help or guys to pass to. I’ve always been a team-oriented player, and I consider myself to be really selfless. I prefer not to take game-winning shots because I think it looks better to set up the game-winning shot for someone else. To all the positions, I just bring the determination to win. Me being an unselfish player, I think that can carry on to my teammates. When you have one of the best players on the court being unselfish, I think that transfers to the other players.*

*Another direct quote

After the 2010 season I announced my decision to take my talents to South Beach and join my friends Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh on the Miami Heat. I was tired of having to do everything by myself and wanted to finally have some reliable teammates. When we first came together I knew we had the talent to win a lot of championships. A lot of people criticized us for teaming up, and if I had a re-do it would probably be a little different…but I’m happy with my decision.

We lost in the NBA Finals to the Dallas Mavericks our first year together. I received a lot of unfair criticism, but I think we just needed a year to gel. People were rooting for us to lose, but at the end of the day, they had to wake up and have the same personal problems they had before. I didn’t let it bother me.

The next two years I won MVP again and we won two championships, the first of my career. People started to embrace me again for my efficiency, and I showed the world that I was still the best player in the league. My buddy Ray Allen hit a big shot in game six of the 2013 Finals to tie the game, but I was the one who put is in position to win.

We lost again in the 2014 NBA Finals to the Spurs, but I blame the loss on the air-conditioning in the AT&T Center failing and the fact that my teammates once again couldn’t cut it. I love my boys D-Wade and CB, but they let me down that year. After the season I decided to go back home to Cleveland to bring the city a championship. I promised them we would win a championship earlier in my career, but I needed some time away and more pieces to have a real shot.

I told the GM David Griffin that he needed to trade for Kevin Love to play power forward even though we had the number one overall pick Andrew Wiggins. I just trust veterans more than rookies, and Wiggins would have taken the spotlight off of me. With Love and my little bro Kyrie Irving we reached the NBA Finals again in 2015 but lost to the Golden State Warriors. I don’t think I should be blamed for this one either because everyone was injured, and I probably deserved the Finals MVP even though we lost.

Last year we got to the NBA Finals again, but we fell behind 3-1 against the Warriors – they’d won 73 games in the regular season. I think I put on one of the best performances of all-time, though, because we won three straight to win the first championship for the ‘Land. Kyrie hit the game-winner in game seven, but I deserve more credit for The Block, my career-defining moment.

This year we are still the best team in the east, but the guys just aren’t getting the job done night-in and night-out, which is why I’m writing this ad asking for help. The Atlanta Hawks sent us Kyle Korver, one of the best shooters in the league, but we still need more. I’ve been asking for us to sign another playmaker all year, even though Charles Barkley criticized me (which was totally uncalled for – how dare he question my legacy), and Deron Williams kinda just fell into our lap.

I’m just not convinced this is enough. Believe me, I’m the ultimate team player and unselfish athlete, but I really need to beat the Warriors again this year to prove that I’m the greatest there ever was. I think it’s more impressive to BEAT the best team in the league than it is to BE the best team in the league. All my career I’ve been compared to Michael Jordan, but that guy never had to deal with the pressure or criticism that I have.

I’m an expert on NBA history, and some people might point to the 1994-1995 teams as only having one current All-Star in Hakeem Olajuwon. Those teams won back-to-back titles against tough competition, but that’s not realistic in 2017. I’d rather gather all my best friends and players on one team and take down the “evil” Warriors like a hero (even though me, Wade, and Bosh were the evil team in 2011).

So here’s the situation with the Cavs that you’d be joining if you sign with us: I’m the best player, but everyone knows I control everything that goes on with the team (David Griffin and Tyronn Lue are just puppets, and we had to get rid of David Blatt because the guy wouldn’t listen to me). If you play for us, I’m going to hold you to the highest standard. I expect you to make every shot you take and catch every pass I throw you (regardless of if it’s on target; remember that I’m the best passer in the league and I see plays before they happen. If a pass sails out of bounds it’s your fault for not reading my mind.)

I’m going to count on you to play tough-nosed defense all year long. I’ll pick and choose when I decide to play defense. I know guys like Kawhi Leonard and Jimmy Butler play hard on every possession, but I need to take plays off on occasion to stay fresh. I need to save my best for the playoffs when it really matters.

All the praise we get for winning belongs to me, but if we lose the criticism belongs to you and everyone else brought in to support ME. Remember that I’m the best player in the league and I don’t make mistakes. The only thing that matters is my legacy, and I will not allow you to question or ruin it for me.

If this sounds like a good fit to you, give me a ring (pun intended). I’m sure that we’ll become best friends – don’t pay attention to Love, that guy just doesn’t know how to fit in. The only thing that matters more to me than winning is being well-liked, and being a good friend is more important than overcoming obstacles.

Austin Murphy
Austin served for over a year as the News Copy Editor for Inyourspeakers Media. He has spent time writing freelance for both the Central Valley Magazine and the Clovis Independent, and Austin currently writes for the Santa Barbara Independent Life and Arts sections and NBA Finals Revisited.