Kyrie Irving believes the earth is flat.

Appearing on the Road Trippin with RJ & Channing podcast, Irving said “The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat. … It’s right in front of our faces. I’m telling you, it’s right in front of our faces. They lie to us.”

Over NBA All-Star Weekend, Kyrie doubled down on the flat earth theory, saying: “I think people should do their own research, man. Hopefully they’ll either back my belief or they’ll throw it in the water. But I think it’s interesting for people to find out on their own. … I’ve seen a lot of things that my education system has said that was real that turned out to be completely fake. I don’t mind going against the grain in terms of my thoughts.”

There are four major implications of this:

  • Kyrie is qualified to be a Trump cabinet pick – and should seriously consider getting involved with the Hawes/Bazemore 2028 ticket.
  • With serial-troll Milo Yiannopoulous likely out at Brietbart, Kyrie could be on the shortlist as a replacement.
  • Ted Cruz once compared climate change believers to flat earth theorists, saying, “You know it used to be it is accepted scientific wisdom the Earth is flat, and this heretic named Galileo was branded a denier.” This means Ted Cruz can look down his long, polyp-lipped, ferret face at Kyrie – giving Irving the rare distinction of disagreeing with Ted Cruz and being wrong.
  • Irving, who attended two private high-schools and Duke, is making the Betsy DeVos private school agenda look bad – which slightly makes up for the Ted Cruz thing.

As Neil Degrasse Tyson is fond of saying, “the good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.”

Also, to be honest– disproving Kyrie would ultimately be me copy and pasting things NDT has already tweeted at fellow flat earth theorist B.O.B.

Considering the real insidious stuff members of the league have gotten into over the years – Derrick Rose’s inability to define consent; Jayson Williams shooting someone in the face (or at very least covering up someone getting shot in the face); Marv Albert being a straight up pervert; everyone on the late 90s Trailblazers; Latrell Sprewell choking his coach; J.R. Rider threatening to have the Mutombo murdered; and the list goes on – believing an asinine conspiracy theory isn’t so bad.

To be fair, it’s not like Kyrie is the first NBA player to be guided by conspiracy theories straight from Jesse Ventura’s mind.

The best way to put Kyrie’s comments into the proper context is to put them next to the other absurd conspiracy theory-esque things NBA players have previously said or done in the same tone:

  •  North Korea didn’t hack Sony Pictures, as told by foreign policy expert Dennis Rodman:

“If the North wanted to hack anything in the world, anything in the world, really, they are going to go hack a movie? Really?”

“How many movies have there been attacking North Korea? And they never hacked those. North Korea is going to hack a comedy, a movie that is really nothing? I can’t see that happening. Of all the companies… really? Over a movie?” (The Hollywood Reporter)

  • Burying money in your backyard is always the way to go – at least if you are Darko Milicic:

Keeping a diary for Slam, Casey Jacobsen wrote in 2012

It’s nearly impossible to explain the weirdness that is Darko, but he told me one time that he did not keep his money in any bank, nor did he invest in stocks or bonds. “I just keep it,” he told me and then turned away. Looking back, I should have asked a follow-up question. I don’t know if I believe him, but he was making over $6 million that season. That’s a lot of cheddar to stash underneath a mattress! On another note… that was easily the longest conversation we ever had, and that was how he preferred it.”

  • Pete Maravich – greatest handle, friend to the extraterrestrials:

In 1996, then Phoenix Sun Coach Cotton Fitzsimmons told Tim Tyers of the Arizona Republic about Pete Maravich’s expectancy of a UFO arrival

“The Pistol was eccentric,” said Fitzsimmons, who coached Maravich for two seasons with the Atlanta Hawks. “He painted pictures on the roof of his house. When the aliens came, he wanted them to think he was their friend. True story, he wanted them to know they were welcome.”

  • Brandon Roy – better than Kobe Bryant – at least according to Metta:

In 2009, Metta World Peace made waves when he said Brandon Roy is the best shooting guard he’s ever played against. When asked directly about Kobe Bryant, Metta said

“Roy is probably the best player I’ve played against. To me he is the best shooting guard, not on defense now, his defense is kind of suspect. He’s the best player I’ve played against.”

In fairness, this might not be as egregious as it seems, Roy was a tremendous talent who was robbed of a career. In 2010, Kobe more or less echoed Metta’s comments. Though, to say, Brandon Roy was a tougher assignment than Kobe or LBJ is absurd…..ABSURD.

  • You only want my autograph because I’m rich:

In 1997 – at summer camp full of 10-year old boys, Dennis Scott, then a 28-year old looking for a contract extension from the Orlando Magic had a meltdown. He blasted Biggie from his car stereo, walked between rows of children, and went off, in completely epic fashion, yelling

“Don’t ask me for my autograph, because 28 years ago, I was broke. You ask for my autograph now because I’ve got millions of dollars. Do not ask me for my autograph. Ask me to explain the rage that exists inside me.”

He then promptly got in his truck and drove away.

The camp was of course cancelled and families refunded money.

See, Kyrie saying the earth is flat isn’t so bad….and besides, the Warriors still blew a 3-1 lead.

Kyrie Irving,! Kyrie Irving! Kyrie Irving!

Noah Perkins
Noah has had articles published by a variety of publications including The Bangor Daily News; The NENPA Bulletin; and Monthly Basketball (Japan). His column ‘Heaven is a Playground’ has been featured on ESPN Radio. Noah was also called a "thirst troll" by Tom Arnold once.