The Walking Dead’s Presidential Candidate Endorsements

This has been the most insane and intense season of The Walking Dead yet:

Glenn basically came back from the dead; Alexandria was attacked by wolves (not the barking kind); and the gang knifed Negan’s group in the head during their slumber.

Though one could make the argument that this election cycle has been crazier than the post-apocalyptic zombie world:

Donald Trump is on his way to taking the GOP nomination, completely dividing the party; Hillary Clinton did the nae-nae; and Bernie Sanders is making friends with birds during speeches.

Before some of our favorite zombie killers are killed by Negan in the upcoming season finale, we looked at who they might support for President of the United States. We examined their personalities and quotes throughout the seasons and have aligned them with the candidates from this election cycle to find out who they would endorse. Sadly, even in a post-apocalyptic world, Marco Rubio was not able to gain any followers.

Sorry little Marco.

 Glenn Rhee Bernie Sanders

Glenn’s Presidential Endorsement: Bernie Sanders

Easily the most beloved character from The Walking Dead, Glenn is a man of the people. He has had the same beliefs from the very beginning and has always been fighting to keep the original group together in hopes of a brighter future. Glenn is definitely feeling the bern. 

What Glenn Said: We can make it together, but we can only make it together”

What Sanders Said: I think the overwhelming majority of the American people know that we have got to stand together, that we’re going to grow together, that we’re going to survive together, and that if we start splintering, we’re not going to succeed in a highly competitive international economy.”

Rick Grimes Ted Cruz

Rick’s Presidential Endorsement: Ted Cruz

On the surface, Rick, the unquestioned alpha of the group has nothing in common with a career politician and ferret-faced weenie like Ted Cruz. But, season six Rick is not the same guy who rode his horse into Atlanta in season one. Like Cruz, Rick leads from the far right:

  • He was okay with the torture of Randall
  • He supports capital punishment
  • He finds himself at odds with Morgan, the groups voice from the far left

A noted control freak, and giant douche, we have a hard time seeing Rick throwing his support behind anyone but Cruz.

What Rick Said: “This isn’t a democracy anymore. There’s us and the dead.”

What Cruz Said: “The Obama economy is a disaster, Obamacare is a train wreck, and the Obama-Clinton foreign policy of leading from behind – the whole world is on fire”

Maggie Kasich

Maggie’s Presidential Endorsement: John Kasich

Maggie and Glenn get along well because they both believe in a brighter future through community development. Though Maggie is far more self-reliant. She isn’t afraid to get a little war-hawkish when she feels her family is threatened. Like Kasich, she is an under-the-radar pro-lifer (remember the scolding she gave Lori in season two?), who acts as the voice of reason in a room full of chaos.

What Maggie Said: “I don’t want to be afraid of being alive”

What Kasich Said: If you go into a room of 100-plus people, and you want to be the prince of darkness, you can be it. But I don’t operate in the dark, I operate in the light.”

Carol Gary Johnson

Carol’s Presidential Endorsement: Gary Johnson

Like most Libertarians Carol is in favor of unlimited individual rights. She is a strong supporter of euthanasia and the right to bear arms. Similarly to Gary Johnson, she often plays on her adversaries willingness to overlook her.

What Carol Said: “You fight it. You don’t give up, and then one day you change.”

What Johnson Said:  I hope that people will see that we don’t have to sit by the sidelines and watch as the two major parties limit their choices to slightly different flavors of the status quo. It is, in fact, possible to join the fray, stand up for principles and offer a real alternative.”

Darly No Politcal Party

Daryl’s Presidential Endorsement: Deez Nuts

Did you expect Daryl to actually care about politics? He doesn’t need a political leader to follow. All he needs is his crossbow and his motorcycle.

What Daryl Said: Looks like a dog sat in paint, wiped its ass all over the place.”

Michonne Hillary Clinton

Michonne’s Presidential Endorsement: Hillary Clinton

Michonne is a born leader. She remains calm and presidential but is not afraid to walk alongside pet zombies or cut throats with a katana. She also has no time for emails.

What Michonne Said: “Anger makes you stupid, stupid gets you killed”

What Clinton Said: I learned to be far more skeptical of what I’m told by presidents, no matter who the presidents are, and also to be much more cautious, always, in any action or vote that could lead to the use of American military power and most particularly what we call boots on the ground.”

 

Morgan Jill Stein

Morgan’s Presidential Endorsement: Jill Stein

A lover of the great outdoors, Morgan practices a zen lifestyle fueled by oatmeal – peanut butter granola bars and the unwavering belief that all lives  matter. A liberals liberal, Morgan is a card carrying member of the Green Party.  

What Morgan Said: I know I could end it, but I also know that people can change, cause everyone sitting here has. ‘All life is precious’ and that idea, that idea changed me it brought me back and it keeps me living.


What Stein Said: “America’s experience shows that capital punishment does not effectively stop crimes from being committed. And our judicial system makes mistakes, killing people who are innocent. It’s time to move beyond capital punishment, to abolish it, and to instead use life imprisonment as the most severe form of sentencing for those who cannot be trusted to live in common society.”

 

Abraham Donald Trump

Abraham’s Presidential Endorsement: Donald Trump

Everyone has that crazy uncle that says things that could easily be classified as “bat shit crazy.” Abraham is that uncle. While he might be nice to have on your side in the zombie infested world, he would surely bring terror to any holiday dinner party.

What Abraham Said: “There’s a vast ocean of shit that you people don’t know shit about.”

What Trump Said: Our politicians are stupid. And the Mexican government is much smarter, much sharper, much more cunning. And they send the bad ones over because they don’t want to pay for them. They don’t want to take care of them. Why should they when the stupid leaders of the United States will do it for them?”

 Eugene Ben Carson

Eugene’s Endorsement: Ben Carson

Eugene may be a great mind, but as he enters “phase two” he seems to overestimate how he could handle the dangers that lurk outside the walls of Alexandria. Dick-bite or not, being smart in one field does not mean that same genius will translate to other facet’s of life.

What Eugene Said: It’s simple, really. As with any RPG, tabletop, electronic, or otherwise, the key to survival is to allow oneself to be shaped by the assigned environment. In doing so, a broad range of capabilities are acquired, allowing one to flip the script and use said capabilities to shape said environment to maximum longevity. I’m saying I’m in the process of said step two. I’ve changed, adapted, I’m a survivor.”

What Carson Said: Not only would I probably not cooperate with him, I would not just stand there and let him shoot me, I would say, ‘Hey guys, everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all.”

Scott Cinatl

Scott has perfected the art of cynicism, but ironically not with the plight of every LA Clippers season. He also only shoots threes in pick-up games and rarely plays defense.